Things have changed since Bridget Jones

Do you remember the book Bridget Jones Diary? I loved that book and the movie was pretty good as well. The thing was she showed how hard it was being single when all your coupled friends seemed to look down on you for it. This was a trend for some time, and may still be going on today although I have not felt that kind of pressure from my married or coupled up friends while I have been single.

Instead I have found a different pressure I keep facing that is truly annoying and I think lacking empathy. These days it seems women look down on their single friends for wanting to be coupled. I have done it as well. Well why do you need a man? This question pops up when someone is whining away over a pint of Ice cream that they cannot find a good man.  Who said she needed one? Maybe she just wants one?

What is wrong with wanting to be in a couple? Why is there this stigma against it? As though if you want to have a man in your life your a weak woman or less of a woman for it. How times have changed. Why is it that we cannot accept each other as sisters in this world just as we are?

Do not get me wrong their is nothing wrong with women who choose to be single although most women I have met say it and yet when they find a special mate in their life suddenly they act like they are more complete, and seem to be happier than ever unless of course it goes sour which is a whole different bag of bones I plan to discuss at another date.

A lot of research has shown that people are happier and healthier in relationships and marriage. *According to Professor Dario Maestripier whose findings are published in the journal Stress "What we found is that marriage has a dampening effect on cortisol responses to psychological stress"

That is one of the many health benefits that have been found from coupling up according to many different medical journals. You can certainly go look this stuff up its all over the Internet. I am not going to list them all as this is just a blog and not a research paper.

I myself have found that I am more comfortable within a relationship. I feel more at ease, and I feel less worried about a lot of things such as finances, going out, health, etc..  I can say though it has to be a Healthy relationship and not an abusive one. Of course being in an abusive relationship is bad, but denying yourself a relationship because you’re afraid of it or just on the policy that you think it makes you a stronger person is not healthy either.

Once again I am not saying it is not all right to be single. There are perfectly healthy people being single and seem to be happy about it. What I am saying is take a deep look at your reasons for it. Have you swung all your energy into your career to avoid being in love or found some other place to put those basic human needs?  If not than hurray for you but please do not put down others for wanting to be in a couple. We all have our own way in life so do not put down others for choosing a different one.

As women we should support each other no matter if we are single, dating, in a relationship, or married. The stay at home housewife has just as much value as the working ones. The single woman has just as much value as a married one. Lets stop making judgments about the choices we make or the things we want in life and instead put our energy elsewhere.

References
*http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/7952466/Relationships-are-good-for-your-health.html

Romance in 2012

Another year gone by and I am not sure what to say about it. I mean was it a good year or a bad year? I would say it was better than some, but like most years it had its up and downs just like life does.  A lot of small dating experiences where I started to wonder if bad sex and flings were just my life now.  I did not want to think that despite my belief that there is nothing wrong with sex and flings deep down I wanted a bit more. I am far more of a romantic than I claim to be.  With that being said I do not like cheesy romance either that is constantly making you sick. I think the reason that kind of constant lovey doveyness makes us feel like puking out a whole bottle of Merlot along with the remnants of our dinner is because its not real. I will get back to that in another post.

Anyways romance seemed to not be for me and I tried my best to accept that. I got my diploma and rambled on through my life. Than I met bearded dickhead whom we shall call BD. BD seemed like a decent guy at first. He after all seemed more interested in me than just an overnight fling. He had a steady job, a daughter the same age as mine. We had a lot in common like Doctor Who and other sci- fi and fantasy interests. He took an interest in certain things I liked in the bedroom. Hurrah! So maybe I was not that attracted to him on a physical level but I decided that would be shallow to choose people in that manner. I felt I had grown out of the need to have them look a certain way to make me happy. I think I was so busy feeling good about myself for going out with someone that was not my style physically I missed the fact that he was a jerk. He constantly had a reason to not come and see me and I tried to be understanding because his excuses were about the ex wife and what a fright she was and how she never came to get her daughter when she was supposed to. Well I knew all about that sort of stuff due to my own ex husband so I waited it out..  Well BD finally did come see me and most of the time he talked about his ex wife and his Mother and how horrible they were , but in reality they did not seem so horrible to me. They seemed like strong women who just chose different things in life than maybe he thought they should. I still ignored this and had some really great sex. So of course I tried to stick with him. He did not want to stick with me though because I asked questions and I did not agree with him on many things and this just made him angry. We both decided we would be better off just being FWB (friends with benefits).  After our last encounter though I realized the man is just a dickhead and he always would be a dickhead. So I moved on and he did as well. I never heard from him again and I was might fine alrighty with that.

Than came K. He had already started messaging me before I was even done with dickhead. He was persistent, and sweet, and romantic. We had everything in common from Horror movies to the food we enjoyed. He kept saying how perfect we were for each other and I totally fell for it all the way down the well. We talked long into the night about every subject we could think of, and when he asked me things that might have made me run from others I actually started to rethink who I really was. He made me realize so many things about myself. Also we both are afraid of giraffes! How many people will you find afraid if giraffes?  So anyways on we went and he also never seemed to have any time for me. Except for conversations and I forgave him all of it because I had already fallen. He called me his love every time we spoke he talked about having this future together that I had never really wanted suddenly the idea of taking care of his three children and moving in with him seemed like a good thing. I was willing to rearrange my life to be with him. He talked of moving into my town and making a life together. All to good to be true you say?  He vanished from my life as though I was never of any importance. We had no argument, and nothing had been said to cause an upset at all. In fact he had vowed his love for me and I did for him.  Than poof he was gone! He broke my heart, and he also messed with my head.  No I do not want him back, because I could never trust him again. I would like an explanation just because well I am a cat and my curiosity beats out my need to stay away for the most part. So yeah I would like to know what the hell was that all about.

He did make me realize that i do want a relationship of some sort and not just flings though. Moving in with someone no I do not really want that right now. I am kind of used to doing things my own way.  On occasion though I would like someone around to change a lightbulb I cannot reach and snuggle into bed with. That would be nice.


Now its 2013 and I met someone else at the end of 2012 we shall call him Sir Blue Eyes.  He seems pretty awesome although we always seem to be on the opposite of the same coin but we converse about it instead of getting mad. He works hard and he can cook! He loves his family, which I think can be a good thing because it means if things go well and we become more serious someday he will love me and care for me the way he does with them.  I just need him to do something for me. Have some patience I have been through a lot not even counting the losers I dated in 2012. I got some trust issues and I am trying my best but I need some reassurance every now and than.  I hope that is not too much to ask.

So romance in 2012 not so great, but I always have hope.  Just like Charlotte in Sex and the City I always have hope for the real thing. I just try to hide it and act all tough cause I am a cancer and that is what crabs do we hide in our shells and scuttle about when what we really want is to take care of those around us if they will just look at us with adoring eyes and give us kisses on our foreheads till we fall asleep in each others arms.

Eh what a bunch of romantic crap. :)

I am a Piece of Art

So for the past week I have been stressed to the maximum, and for something I probably should not have been. Which is usually the straight up facts. Why stress over something we cannot control? We all do it at some point though don't we? So in my stressed out wanting to control a situation craziness I kept asking quite a few people for advice.

First I asked the one I thought may have been through some of the same crap, and got some decent advice. Second I simply bitched about it to girlfriends and got different reactions most was just a shrug, and others were more aggressive, and they were all fine and good. Than I asked someone I thought would see it from another side, and got the just wait it out advice. Last of all I talked to an ex-boyfriend late at night (really it was early morning.), and I told him my whole story from start to finish. From him was probably the best advice of all.

So here it is, and I quote (yes I actually wrote down what he said.) " Since when do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks or has to say about anything? I am going to give you the same advice that long ago you gave me before we ever dated. Follow your heart and no matter where it leads you at least you know it was real for you."

Wow I was a bit startled and surprised because i actually did say something like that to him when he was falling for this wretched girl that yes broke his heart.

So of course my reply was "but you got your heart broken?"

" Ah Cher(spelling may be incorrect and yes this is my Cajun ex boyfriend so sometimes I have trouble understanding him, or just do not know how to spell it.) we all need to get our heart broken and sometimes even with the people we love. Love is not meant to be all happiness all the time. You talk to a couple that has been together twenty years and you can be sure they have broken each others hearts at some point in their relationship.  Life is not all about the good times its about overcoming the hard times, and if you feel in your heart that you need to see something through than that is your choice as it should be. You might get hurt and you may even be crying tears, but I know you, and you need a good cry now and than so you can pick yourself back up and sort it out. Anyone who tells you that their is no pain in love has not truly lived life, and what would this world be if there was never any sadness or pain? We would be living in a very ugly world. "


Now I am sure plenty of people would disagree with this. It however opened my eyes as to who I am for a moment. Out of every painful thing that has happened to me out of it came something far better. This comes from a guy that I treated pretty bad. Which honestly i am kind of known for being a bit of a bitch while in a relationship. Just ask my ex-husband, or really any of my more major boyfriends. Some of those guys were abusive and some of them were not, but I was so used to being abused I automatically was the bitch. This way I made myself believe I was not going to get hurt, and I felt like I had some control over my situation even when i did not..

The last major relationship with a man was so horrifying to me that i went into some serious therapy.  I always thought myself a trusting person, but I never really was.  Always waiting for them to screw me over, because it is what I expected. I have come to realize I want to trust someone. I want to give someone a chance. I want to let them break down my walls, and I know i might get hurt in the process. Hell I might not even make it to the process. At least i will know I put myself out there and tried. I might end up in a whole lot of hurt, or I might end up with something amazing.

Either way out of it will come art, and even the ugliest piece of art is beautiful to someone. Never regret what you have done or the choices you have made, because from it comes who you are, and you are a piece of art.

A Great Love that became a Great Tragedy

So many people do not understand what I have been through with my great love. They just make assumptions and judgements etc.....  What i went through is not the classic or even normal domestic violence situation there was a little more to it than the classic manipulation and brainwashing.  I have been through that when I was much younger and I know how it is, and i do my best to help other women who have been through domestic violence, rape, etc...  Anyways here is the story of my Great Love.

I met him at a Halloween party which I was supposed to go to with another guy.  We will call him Satan. Anyways Satan got called into work , and I asked my friend T for a ride. He said no problem he just had to pick up some other people first. Now T and his bf had been trying to set me up with a guy for a while and I was ignoring their efforts, because after all I was dating other people and enjoying myself being single.  So anyways T picked me up and I got in the back of the car and sat next to GL (my great love), and from than on he followed me around at the party the whole night.

I found him to be pretty sexy despite him being on the short side. He had big blue eyes with long eyelashes, shaved head, tattoos all over, and yet he was so eager like a puppy dog.  I found him sweet. He never left my side the whole night, and we slept next to each other that night on my friends pull out sofa.

The next morning he asked if I would come to his place and meet his cat. Since we both loved animals and cats especially. I agreed and after going home and showering, and wearing normal clothes I went to his place. He lived in a boarding house and had a small room near the kitchen and bathroom. He had a small fridge as well in his room along with a bed and sofa. His cat by the way disliked me. We watched a movie together on the couch and soon were busy doing other things. We had a great time, and after he walked me home.

Now i thought this was going to be a fling, but GL had other plans. He immediately started calling me his girlfriend and at first I was a bit creeped out, but he was not coming off creepy as much as just happy to oblige me. So after he talked about all the things we would do I thought this might not be so bad. This was our beginning , and for years we dated and were very happy with of course the usual amount of arguments in a relationship. Sometimes they were rough but that is the way it goes. Never was he abusive or cruel, or did I ever think he would hurt me.

Now that was so many years ago. It has been 2 years since I broke things off with him because of his constant drinking, too many prescription medications, and somewhat abusive behavior.  Things had become bad and I needed a break from all of it. I told him he needed to get himself together, and take care of himself on his own. He was extremely unhappy with our break up and became very introverted to the point he hardly ever left his room. I was so busy trying to get my own personal self together I did not notice how bad it had become until the day he had a Psychotic break.

That is when I was truly for the first time afraid of him. He walked around the house with a knife and kept saying I broke his things. When nothing of his was broken. He carried on like this even after my daughter came home. So this time the police had to be called and I hid in the closet as they took him out of our home. It took 6 police officers to carry him out , and the whole time he was screaming.  I was traumatized, and went into a total manic mode. I was like this for a long time, and was not quite sure what i was even doing with myself. I did get a restraining order, and suddenly I was going out and doing more than I had in years. The problem it was not really the things i needed to be doing.

When he got out he eventually came to me and well I am not going to go in to a lot of detail on this but at first he seemed alright but than I ended up finding out he was worse than before. He did not even seem to remember us breaking up at all.  He did not seem to understand that he was hurting me. He was incredibly confused and it was just a big mess .Soon the police were called again and this time the charges were more severe.

This was my Great love. I had spent years very happy with him, but due to Doctors who kept giving more and more medications and not paying attention to how he was reacting to them, and drinking along with it. He just became someone else completely. The fact of the matter is I am still in love with the guy from before all that.. The one who was always eager to please me and would rub my feet and treat me like a Goddess. The guy who loved his cat to the point of spoilage. The guy who thought i was the best cook in the world and ate what I made with appreciation. The one who just loved kissing me over and over. This is not to say he did not have flaws before as well. We all do. I will miss that guy probably til the day I die. He is not there anymore. His body is there but someone else resides in it. I would like to think that the justice system would help him get proper care, but so far I have just seen them throw him in jail and forget about him.  I wonder how many people are in jail that really just need mental health.

I spent a whole year after all of this being extremely angry myself and thinking he deserved the worst, but now I wonder if maybe that was my own mental instability talking after all that trauma. He needs help, and I hope someday he gets the help he really needs.  I myself will keep grieving for that man I met at a Halloween party that followed me around with his big blue eyes.