Judgement Moms

Recently I thought I might be pregnant because sometimes when it comes to sex and men I become an idiot. That is Ok I accept this about myself and its all good. Anyways during this time I thought about if I managed to get through a whole pregnancy ( I tend to miscarry) how would I manage. These thoughts were the normal ones of finances and would the Father actually help me etc...

Than another thought occurred the one that truly horrified me!

JUDGEMENT!!!

The judgement of pretentious parents in the town I live in. You know the types I am a better Mother than thou. I meet them all the time. I cannot stand these Moms who go about flaunting how all their food and clothing and even their diapers are organic. How they only carry their children about in cloth Papooses, and they would never put their child in a baby swing while doing household chores.

My beautiful daughter did not get all organic food in fact i used the jarred stuff and she loved it. I use disposable diapers and I loved them!  We had a front carry on for her that clipped off to become a baby seat which was awesome for walks in the mall when we stopped and had dinner.  The best thing of all was that baby swing and Blues Clues on the TV so I could get the cleaning done and make dinner. I like the way my daughter turned out fine thank you!

(Bean as a little kid.) 

I can see me now trying to do all of this around here. I would be shunned by quite a few other Mothers. Hell I already have been. I am not saying that organic noms and fancy green baby stuff is not awesome. What I am saying is we all parent differently and it does not make us bad Mothers when we say the hell with it and use a cheaper or easier way of doing things.

So if your a Mom have you ever felt judged by other Mothers? Did you ever let your daughter eat a mushed banana off the ground and get the evil eye?

Romance in 2012

Another year gone by and I am not sure what to say about it. I mean was it a good year or a bad year? I would say it was better than some, but like most years it had its up and downs just like life does.  A lot of small dating experiences where I started to wonder if bad sex and flings were just my life now.  I did not want to think that despite my belief that there is nothing wrong with sex and flings deep down I wanted a bit more. I am far more of a romantic than I claim to be.  With that being said I do not like cheesy romance either that is constantly making you sick. I think the reason that kind of constant lovey doveyness makes us feel like puking out a whole bottle of Merlot along with the remnants of our dinner is because its not real. I will get back to that in another post.

Anyways romance seemed to not be for me and I tried my best to accept that. I got my diploma and rambled on through my life. Than I met bearded dickhead whom we shall call BD. BD seemed like a decent guy at first. He after all seemed more interested in me than just an overnight fling. He had a steady job, a daughter the same age as mine. We had a lot in common like Doctor Who and other sci- fi and fantasy interests. He took an interest in certain things I liked in the bedroom. Hurrah! So maybe I was not that attracted to him on a physical level but I decided that would be shallow to choose people in that manner. I felt I had grown out of the need to have them look a certain way to make me happy. I think I was so busy feeling good about myself for going out with someone that was not my style physically I missed the fact that he was a jerk. He constantly had a reason to not come and see me and I tried to be understanding because his excuses were about the ex wife and what a fright she was and how she never came to get her daughter when she was supposed to. Well I knew all about that sort of stuff due to my own ex husband so I waited it out..  Well BD finally did come see me and most of the time he talked about his ex wife and his Mother and how horrible they were , but in reality they did not seem so horrible to me. They seemed like strong women who just chose different things in life than maybe he thought they should. I still ignored this and had some really great sex. So of course I tried to stick with him. He did not want to stick with me though because I asked questions and I did not agree with him on many things and this just made him angry. We both decided we would be better off just being FWB (friends with benefits).  After our last encounter though I realized the man is just a dickhead and he always would be a dickhead. So I moved on and he did as well. I never heard from him again and I was might fine alrighty with that.

Than came K. He had already started messaging me before I was even done with dickhead. He was persistent, and sweet, and romantic. We had everything in common from Horror movies to the food we enjoyed. He kept saying how perfect we were for each other and I totally fell for it all the way down the well. We talked long into the night about every subject we could think of, and when he asked me things that might have made me run from others I actually started to rethink who I really was. He made me realize so many things about myself. Also we both are afraid of giraffes! How many people will you find afraid if giraffes?  So anyways on we went and he also never seemed to have any time for me. Except for conversations and I forgave him all of it because I had already fallen. He called me his love every time we spoke he talked about having this future together that I had never really wanted suddenly the idea of taking care of his three children and moving in with him seemed like a good thing. I was willing to rearrange my life to be with him. He talked of moving into my town and making a life together. All to good to be true you say?  He vanished from my life as though I was never of any importance. We had no argument, and nothing had been said to cause an upset at all. In fact he had vowed his love for me and I did for him.  Than poof he was gone! He broke my heart, and he also messed with my head.  No I do not want him back, because I could never trust him again. I would like an explanation just because well I am a cat and my curiosity beats out my need to stay away for the most part. So yeah I would like to know what the hell was that all about.

He did make me realize that i do want a relationship of some sort and not just flings though. Moving in with someone no I do not really want that right now. I am kind of used to doing things my own way.  On occasion though I would like someone around to change a lightbulb I cannot reach and snuggle into bed with. That would be nice.


Now its 2013 and I met someone else at the end of 2012 we shall call him Sir Blue Eyes.  He seems pretty awesome although we always seem to be on the opposite of the same coin but we converse about it instead of getting mad. He works hard and he can cook! He loves his family, which I think can be a good thing because it means if things go well and we become more serious someday he will love me and care for me the way he does with them.  I just need him to do something for me. Have some patience I have been through a lot not even counting the losers I dated in 2012. I got some trust issues and I am trying my best but I need some reassurance every now and than.  I hope that is not too much to ask.

So romance in 2012 not so great, but I always have hope.  Just like Charlotte in Sex and the City I always have hope for the real thing. I just try to hide it and act all tough cause I am a cancer and that is what crabs do we hide in our shells and scuttle about when what we really want is to take care of those around us if they will just look at us with adoring eyes and give us kisses on our foreheads till we fall asleep in each others arms.

Eh what a bunch of romantic crap. :)

The grass needs some fertilizer

So lately I have been having the pity party vibe going on in my head.  Woe is me and all that.  Why you ask? Well because my latest relationship fell through in a very odd way (for another post), and finances are a mess due to the mistake of another (also for another post).  So I have spent most of my time whining to some of my friends, and the rest of the time whining to myself.  Yes everyone deserves their whine in the sun….wait or is that wine in the moonlight?  Hmmmmmm….well the point is we all need to have some time to heal, and I do have a lot of past where I have needed to heal. I guess that is the thing I am so sick of healing.

Than again wouldn’t it be nice for everything to be perfect in my life. HAHAHA! The grass is always greener is it not? I am always looking at the lives I would like to have (also for another post), and never just being happy with the life that has been given to me. I could say, “What is there to be happy about?” and I would have to answer, “I am not a starving child in Africa.” The fact is unless you are a child starving in Africa your pretty much doing OK.

Always look on the bright side of life. We like to stick out our tongue at that cliché and tell it go where the sun does not shine. The truth is we need some of these clichés to keep us on track and living out lives in a manner of hope, and appreciation.  I do after all have things to be thankful for. I have my daughter, a place to live (amazingly), my crazy pets, my crazier friends, and a pair of Hello Kitty slippers.

So this all being said I am going to give a little to charity this holiday season. I may not have much but there is always someone worse off. So make sure to give someone else a bit of hope this year, and if possible remember to do such things all year long from time to time.

 The grass really is not any greener for anyone else, and in fact they got their own problems. We all need to get more fertilizer.

Pumpkin Shells and Cheese

In this area I am kind of known for my Smoky Mac and Cheese, but tonight I wanted to add Pumpkin to the mix and make a few other changes. I really am in the mood for comfort food lately as I have been in a funk, and i am sure all the fat and calories in this will make me feel funkier in the end. Oh but the yumminess of eating it!

Pumpkin Shells and Cheese
16 oz box of Shells Pasta
1 can Campbells Cheddar Cheese Soup
1 cup canned or fresh cooked pumpkin
2 cups half and half
4 to 5 oz. Colby Jack Cheese shredded
1/2 stick of butter
1/2 tsp Garlic Pepper Seasoning
1/2 tsp. grated Nutmeg
Panko Bread crumbs
Paprika

Cook the Pasta according to box instructions. While Pasta is cooking make the sauce. Add Soup, Pumpkin, half and half,Cheese, butter, garlic pepper seasoning, and nutmeg, and stir over low heat until smooth.

When Pasta is ready and drained pout into a 13 inch lasagna style dish. Pour the sauce over the pasta. Sprinkle Panko crumbs over it all and than sprinkle Paprika as well.

Bake in a 375 degree oven for 35 minutes.

Let it sit for 10 minutes if you can.

Come to me Oil

MY own Come to me Oil

Peel of half a lemon

2 Tablespoons of dried and crushed rose petals

½ capful of Patchouli oil

4 capfuls of Jasmine Absolute

2 capfuls of Sandalwood absolute

2 capfuls of Rose Otto Absolute

1 capful of cinnamon oil

Carrier oil

I prefer to make oils in circle after I have purified myself either by bath or by smudging. After the circle has been made I light 2 red candles for passion, and energy. Than I put all ingredients in a dark bottle in order as above. If I feel it needs extra of any ingredient I add it. After this is done I shake the bottle and pass them above the candles. Than I hold the bottle in my hands and pour all of the red energy I can muster in to it. Which is usually a lot. Whilst doing this I chant Come to me to raise the energy. When this is done I place the bottle on my Pentacle disk and wait for the candles to burn out. So use either tea candles or small 4 inch candles is what I like to use.

You may open the circle at any time after you are done.

If you want a stronger oil add some lodestone filings. I only do this if I feel the oil is not working the way I want it to.

I am a Piece of Art

So for the past week I have been stressed to the maximum, and for something I probably should not have been. Which is usually the straight up facts. Why stress over something we cannot control? We all do it at some point though don't we? So in my stressed out wanting to control a situation craziness I kept asking quite a few people for advice.

First I asked the one I thought may have been through some of the same crap, and got some decent advice. Second I simply bitched about it to girlfriends and got different reactions most was just a shrug, and others were more aggressive, and they were all fine and good. Than I asked someone I thought would see it from another side, and got the just wait it out advice. Last of all I talked to an ex-boyfriend late at night (really it was early morning.), and I told him my whole story from start to finish. From him was probably the best advice of all.

So here it is, and I quote (yes I actually wrote down what he said.) " Since when do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks or has to say about anything? I am going to give you the same advice that long ago you gave me before we ever dated. Follow your heart and no matter where it leads you at least you know it was real for you."

Wow I was a bit startled and surprised because i actually did say something like that to him when he was falling for this wretched girl that yes broke his heart.

So of course my reply was "but you got your heart broken?"

" Ah Cher(spelling may be incorrect and yes this is my Cajun ex boyfriend so sometimes I have trouble understanding him, or just do not know how to spell it.) we all need to get our heart broken and sometimes even with the people we love. Love is not meant to be all happiness all the time. You talk to a couple that has been together twenty years and you can be sure they have broken each others hearts at some point in their relationship.  Life is not all about the good times its about overcoming the hard times, and if you feel in your heart that you need to see something through than that is your choice as it should be. You might get hurt and you may even be crying tears, but I know you, and you need a good cry now and than so you can pick yourself back up and sort it out. Anyone who tells you that their is no pain in love has not truly lived life, and what would this world be if there was never any sadness or pain? We would be living in a very ugly world. "


Now I am sure plenty of people would disagree with this. It however opened my eyes as to who I am for a moment. Out of every painful thing that has happened to me out of it came something far better. This comes from a guy that I treated pretty bad. Which honestly i am kind of known for being a bit of a bitch while in a relationship. Just ask my ex-husband, or really any of my more major boyfriends. Some of those guys were abusive and some of them were not, but I was so used to being abused I automatically was the bitch. This way I made myself believe I was not going to get hurt, and I felt like I had some control over my situation even when i did not..

The last major relationship with a man was so horrifying to me that i went into some serious therapy.  I always thought myself a trusting person, but I never really was.  Always waiting for them to screw me over, because it is what I expected. I have come to realize I want to trust someone. I want to give someone a chance. I want to let them break down my walls, and I know i might get hurt in the process. Hell I might not even make it to the process. At least i will know I put myself out there and tried. I might end up in a whole lot of hurt, or I might end up with something amazing.

Either way out of it will come art, and even the ugliest piece of art is beautiful to someone. Never regret what you have done or the choices you have made, because from it comes who you are, and you are a piece of art.

A Great Love that became a Great Tragedy

So many people do not understand what I have been through with my great love. They just make assumptions and judgements etc.....  What i went through is not the classic or even normal domestic violence situation there was a little more to it than the classic manipulation and brainwashing.  I have been through that when I was much younger and I know how it is, and i do my best to help other women who have been through domestic violence, rape, etc...  Anyways here is the story of my Great Love.

I met him at a Halloween party which I was supposed to go to with another guy.  We will call him Satan. Anyways Satan got called into work , and I asked my friend T for a ride. He said no problem he just had to pick up some other people first. Now T and his bf had been trying to set me up with a guy for a while and I was ignoring their efforts, because after all I was dating other people and enjoying myself being single.  So anyways T picked me up and I got in the back of the car and sat next to GL (my great love), and from than on he followed me around at the party the whole night.

I found him to be pretty sexy despite him being on the short side. He had big blue eyes with long eyelashes, shaved head, tattoos all over, and yet he was so eager like a puppy dog.  I found him sweet. He never left my side the whole night, and we slept next to each other that night on my friends pull out sofa.

The next morning he asked if I would come to his place and meet his cat. Since we both loved animals and cats especially. I agreed and after going home and showering, and wearing normal clothes I went to his place. He lived in a boarding house and had a small room near the kitchen and bathroom. He had a small fridge as well in his room along with a bed and sofa. His cat by the way disliked me. We watched a movie together on the couch and soon were busy doing other things. We had a great time, and after he walked me home.

Now i thought this was going to be a fling, but GL had other plans. He immediately started calling me his girlfriend and at first I was a bit creeped out, but he was not coming off creepy as much as just happy to oblige me. So after he talked about all the things we would do I thought this might not be so bad. This was our beginning , and for years we dated and were very happy with of course the usual amount of arguments in a relationship. Sometimes they were rough but that is the way it goes. Never was he abusive or cruel, or did I ever think he would hurt me.

Now that was so many years ago. It has been 2 years since I broke things off with him because of his constant drinking, too many prescription medications, and somewhat abusive behavior.  Things had become bad and I needed a break from all of it. I told him he needed to get himself together, and take care of himself on his own. He was extremely unhappy with our break up and became very introverted to the point he hardly ever left his room. I was so busy trying to get my own personal self together I did not notice how bad it had become until the day he had a Psychotic break.

That is when I was truly for the first time afraid of him. He walked around the house with a knife and kept saying I broke his things. When nothing of his was broken. He carried on like this even after my daughter came home. So this time the police had to be called and I hid in the closet as they took him out of our home. It took 6 police officers to carry him out , and the whole time he was screaming.  I was traumatized, and went into a total manic mode. I was like this for a long time, and was not quite sure what i was even doing with myself. I did get a restraining order, and suddenly I was going out and doing more than I had in years. The problem it was not really the things i needed to be doing.

When he got out he eventually came to me and well I am not going to go in to a lot of detail on this but at first he seemed alright but than I ended up finding out he was worse than before. He did not even seem to remember us breaking up at all.  He did not seem to understand that he was hurting me. He was incredibly confused and it was just a big mess .Soon the police were called again and this time the charges were more severe.

This was my Great love. I had spent years very happy with him, but due to Doctors who kept giving more and more medications and not paying attention to how he was reacting to them, and drinking along with it. He just became someone else completely. The fact of the matter is I am still in love with the guy from before all that.. The one who was always eager to please me and would rub my feet and treat me like a Goddess. The guy who loved his cat to the point of spoilage. The guy who thought i was the best cook in the world and ate what I made with appreciation. The one who just loved kissing me over and over. This is not to say he did not have flaws before as well. We all do. I will miss that guy probably til the day I die. He is not there anymore. His body is there but someone else resides in it. I would like to think that the justice system would help him get proper care, but so far I have just seen them throw him in jail and forget about him.  I wonder how many people are in jail that really just need mental health.

I spent a whole year after all of this being extremely angry myself and thinking he deserved the worst, but now I wonder if maybe that was my own mental instability talking after all that trauma. He needs help, and I hope someday he gets the help he really needs.  I myself will keep grieving for that man I met at a Halloween party that followed me around with his big blue eyes.