Tuesday, June 26, 2012


Tonight I am going to write about some things that have happened that just brought back old cobwebs in my head, or the things I thought should be covered in them by now.

I went to take a shower and scrubbed my body over and over.  I wanted to get rid of something I did. Like I could scrub it off my body, and than everything would be all-better. Memories are not dirt though you cannot scrub them away, and I have tried. PTSD can be triggered by a memory, and suddenly you feel like you’re out of your mind. You feel like running, and running until you meet water and jump in. You just want it to go away and never come back.

This winter I was able to go pick up some things from the police station. I only picked up my camera. The officer had a list and I had to initial on each item that I did not want it. Some of the things were not even mine. Some of those things belonged to him.  I still remember all the little paper bags lined up in my hallway each one numbered just like they were on that list. They numbered my trauma and categorized it like they were library books or a CD collection. I remember the plastic light blue gloves on the Police officer as he lined up those paper bags, and made his list on his clipboard.

I was asked if I wanted my sheets back.  Seriously? I would never sleep soundly on those sheets again. I could barely sleep on that old thin mattress for a while. Obviously my insomnia problems are still with me. How do you sleep when each memory triggers another of a different time, and a different place where something happened that never should? I could of burned those sheets, but I signed off on them staying there. I suppose they would throw them out.

 I look at the sheets on my bed now. I think I hate these sheets as well. Just a reminder of my own foolish thoughts. Just a reminder of me being too trusting. I wonder when I put myself in someone else’s hands and its a mistake what does that mean? Am I the fool for trusting again, or am I just a strong enough person to not let the past keep me from trusting?  I do not know the answer really. I would like to think I am the strong one. I would like to think a lot of things about myself though.

I have always been different, and I have always been judged and misunderstood. I am good with that. I can live with that. No one wants to face the truth of who I am, because than they would have to face a reality that anyone can be abused, and anyone can be raped.  So much easier to think its my fault and leave me alone with my pain.

Now I am going to change the subject for a bit, and talk about how I am different. I have always been a bit of a kinky girl. When I was a kid I tied up my Barbie’s and made Ken spank them. Nobody seemed to notice that. I always loved tying things up, and when I got breasts well I thought they were awesome! I liked tying them up too. Just in my room when no one was looking cause somehow despite never being given proper talks about sex I knew it was taboo, and I would get in trouble. I did all this stuff anyways. I grew up and eventually would become part of the BDSM scene and often would be considered a Switch. A switch is someone who might like to be the top or the bottom. Later I found I preferred being the bottom. I liked the control of it. Now you might think that strange that even to this day I think you have more control as a bottom, but you really do. When you’re the bottom or the sub (as some might say as well.) you get to choose who you give yourself to and you can make it stop with a word. Your giving that person your trust and letting them take the reins but you can take it away as well. The top just gets to do what you want them to anyways its not real control. Maybe that is why I still like it after all I have been through.

Now back to what I was saying before about memories bringing up more memories. I can go all the ways back to being in high school and these two boys on the bus and myself were the only ones left. They usually just left me alone, but this particular time one of them slid next to me and slid his hand up my skirt, and I froze. The other boy sat on his knees in the seat in front of me and faced me. He just watched. While the other one shoved his grubby hands under my panties. He just watched it happen, and I just looked out the window and tried not to think about it. They were in control. I never said yes, and I suppose they would say I never said no.

One of my first major boyfriends was this bad boy with long dark hair and a coke problem. He said he loved me so much that if I left him he would kill my friends. He would hurt them. He had some issues. Some things happened between him and me I cannot speak of due to my family. Things that link him and I forever and ever. One time when he was tweaking away he asked me to go pick up his stash and said the money had been taken care of so I went to go get it for him. He did not tell me how he paid for it, because I was the payment. I am not going to talk about what happened but the best friend I ever had came and got me when he found out.  The one I let get away.

Years passed I dated some great guys and some really abusive guys. I did a lot of dumb things. I am going to skip over some of the abuse its not that it did not mean anything its just not part of this story.   I got married and it did not work out. I than dated one of my great loves. During that time we had some spats. Once after a really bad fight I went to the movies at night by myself. I walked there, and I remember I was wearing my faux red leather jacket I just bought. I had not any money for a long time, and recently had more and was so happy to get something nice for myself. I saw "Memories of a Geisha" which in a way was ironic I suppose.  I walked home and was raped on the ground. I took a short cut. I barely saw him cause it was dark but he wore a big cowboy hat and I stared at it the whole time. That is what I do. I find something to stare at.  I never saw that jacket again cause he took it, and the police found it and kept it for evidence. I never picked it up.

Now comes the story of that great love of mine. He made me very happy for a few years, and than he started drinking again, and little moments of memory seemed to be slipping his mind, which just made him angry. I was losing him, and in his place was someone else. I broke it off with him after he ended up in the hospital one night claiming to be suicidal.  A good friend of mine had a fight with me in the hallway of Brattleboro Memorial she screamed at the nurse not to let him go home with me. That he would end up killing me if I stayed with him. I was so upset at that argument that I told him to move into the extra room. A few months later he walked around my house with a knife saying all sorts of crazy things. The police came, and I hid in the closet while he fought with them. What happened to the one I loved? Where did he go?

The man he became found me again a few months later and he would not let me leave the house, and it was complicated and the Reformer (the local paper here) got the story all screwed up. He thought we had never broke up. He thought we could play those kinky games and he never saw me cry. He could not see. He never heard me tell him to leave. He could not hear. He needed help.  The police came and they lined up all those little paper bags in my hallway.

I have dated since than and never found anyone much to my fancy. I slept with a few but I did not give them that control. That was for me to give someone. That was my prize to give away. Recently I gave it away. He did not know how actually hard it was for me to do it or how scared I really was to do it. I put my trust in the wrong man and I feel dirty. Not that good kind of dirty, but more of a why did I give it away when it was mine. I could have just had normal sex or just a normal date, but something about him made me trust him. Something said he would never ever abuse that control. I do not think he meant to. That does not change how I feel right now though. It does not make it easier for me to sleep. I want it back. I want to turn back the clock and have never given it away.

I want my control back.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

What do these words mean to you? 

When I was younger and first began my journey with the craft I was taught by my beloved Ezzie that meant exactly what it says. You must have absolute love and trust for your sisters in the craft, and if you do not than you are with the wrong circle.  I have been put in this position twice now in my life.  The first time I was fine with it as I was not the only one to leave that coven, and in truth I was better for it. It was time for me to go out on my own. The second time was recently, and it was no coven but it still broke my heart to have to walk away.

I will not be in circle with anyone I cannot love and trust. I have done it on occasion and I usually end up in a very bad state. A place no one wants to be in I assure you. I do not know if I will ever have a place with these women again, but I know I cannot have a place with the one woman who I cannot trust. This is not a simple catty fight and silliness. I am well known by those who have known me long to be a woman of forgiveness, and have many friends that I have fought with on many occasion.  This goes deeper than that.

I was in the presence of someone who manipulated me at my weakest moments at a point in my life where everything had changed so much that I was incredibly vulnerable. Someone who I thought needed my help as well, and I often tried to do everything I could including ending up paying off a 200-dollar ticket so her child could have medicine. I brought her food when she was low, and stood by her when she said she needed someone there. She herself was always at my side almost constantly as well, and if I had known that her friendship was not genuine I would have ended it before things got so far out of hand. I will not give any more details except she lied, and caused problems in my life in almost every area. My romantic life, my social life, my witchy friends life, and even the worst offense was my situation in court with my abuser which caused problems in the court, but it was overcome for the most part.

This is someone I cannot be in Perfect Love and Perfect Trust with. I cannot do magick's with someone who has caused this much discord for me and why on earth would anyone mesh his or her energy with something like that. I would certainly never advise anyone I ever taught to do so, and in fact any one of my past students would say I have told them the opposite.  Your not finding the circle you joined to be comfortable than you get out and find one where you are. It is better to be solitary than to try and do magick when your mental, physical, or aura is in trouble.

Now I am not talking about public rituals, which you may not know everyone and obviously you do not have a personal relationship with. Than again all your shields should be well up in these situations.  I myself was foolish enough to go to a public ritual not too long ago when I was not well enough emotionally to be there. I was not prepared and ended up in a bad way. We all make mistakes no matter how experienced we are. Sometimes we just do not have our cloak on straight and our pointed hat is askew.

So now all that is said and I am happy to say the Goddess recently sent someone back my way. Someone who was once my student and now is a full fledged witch, and also in need of reaching back out. Magick is afoot ladies and gents, and yes the Goddess is well alive and looking after all of us who ask of her, and also those of us who use our power where and when it should be used.

Blessed Be in Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. What does it mean to you? Would you do magick with those who you did not?