Saturday, September 28, 2013

Mother and daughter

I have written nothing since my mother died this past winter. The inspiration left me, and probably when I needed my creative outlet the most. Even now it seems like the words are just not quite right, and the feeling behind them is not coming through the way it should, but I am going to do my best. 

I have been thinking about the relationships between mother and daughter, and how different they can be for each of us. My mother and I rarely saw eye to eye, and did not always even have respect for each other. I do realize my mother did the best she could with what knowledge she had. She sometimes went about things the wrong way, but she also did not have the ability to do things differently.  She did not understand my mental issues, and she certainly did not know how to handle them. For my mother I think it was simply frustrating and scary, and strained our relationship well into my adult years even after I was diagnosed. 
I spent years fighting against being like my mother to the point that I rebelled against being who I really was. Years of making myself believe I was far more independent and interesting than my mother. Now I will say I am a very interesting person, and have been through some things my mother probably never imagined living through.  There are some things though that we do have in common that I have realized and come to terms with. You could say we are the two sides of the same coin.

Now I have my own teenage daughter, and I have never felt more blessed with the child I have. She is amazingly tough far more than most realize. Most people see my tiny sarcastic and sometimes crazy kid. I see something more. 

My daughter was born with cystic fibrosis, and over the years she has been diagnosed with adhd, and a mood disorder which many a psychiatrist has told me off record is bipolar disorder. I kind of already knew, because I have bipolar as well. She is stronger than me though.  Maybe because I understand and I can talk to her about it, maybe because she has meds to help her through, or maybe she has been through so much medical stuff having some mental disorder seems dim compared. She is my heroine.  

My daughter has had three big surgeries since she was born. The first one was immediately after I pushed her out. They rushed her to a hospital in Boston,  and has the scar to show for it. She had a blockage in her intestines,  and so they had to remove it, and sew her intestines back together.  She spent the first month of her life in a hospital, and I never got to breastfeed. I pumped for the first couple weeks and she got it, but I did not have a lot of milk, and my nipples were bleeding. So from the start things were rocky for my bean. She was tiny and looked like an alien. Her head to big for her body it was amazing when she was able to hold it up. I was scared to death. 

The second surgery was years later when a doctor realized her spine was stretched, and they did surgery to snip the cartilage so that her spine could be like the rest of us, and she would have less pressure on her legs. The surgeon explained to me that not all her symptoms would leave, but that this would keep them from getting worse.

The third surgery was for a gtube so my daughter could get a higher calorie intake since she needed to gain more weight. This is a hole in her stomach fixed with a small plastic device that can be hooked up to bags of unflavored nestle drinks that add over a 1,000 calories overnight. She was in the hospital for over a month, and missed out on half of her summer that year. After the surgery it took her some time to get back up to speed. This whole thing was hell! She had to stay in the unit and schedule time in the extra room where she could do art. She had to walk her metal pole with her iv over there and would get so sick of the whole thing she would cry and beg to come home.  I wanted to rip her out of that bed and tell the doctors to "fuck off".  I of course just waited it out with her. 
Although I did kind of tell one of those physicians that they could go where the sun does not shine. Maybe just once. 

After all this her mood disorder really came out in full throttle, and it took some time to work out the right medications, and therapy that was helpful. This one time last year she told me what it felt like to her when she had what I call a bipolar freak out. She said it starts out she is just upset than it turns into a something else and she no longer has any control. She knows what she is doing and saying is wrong, but she loses herself and until its done she can do nothing.  I know that feeling all too well. I hold myself in check quite often for fear of that rage. I try to stay away from confrontation , and even amaze myself sometimes that I hold it together.

My daughter has her moments, but I can say she has far less than I did at her age. She is amazing to me how often she holds it together.  How rare it is that she loses control compared to myself back than. I often tell people that if they knew me when I was younger they would not have liked me.
I sometimes have to explain to my bean that not everyone is going to understand,  and sometimes we have to just face those consequences of these actions even though we lost control. We just have to hope we can do better next time, and hope for future friends who will understand and help us through rather than shut us out. 

My mother did not have the knowledge or understanding that I have been able to pass down to my daughter. She also maybe should have handled things differently a few times, but she did not know any better. I still turned out pretty good.  I think my daughter is turning out even better. I love you my bean, and I will always be here for you.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

My daily life and a cleaning tip

My life as a single Mom can sometimes be tedious and somewhat boring, but often I end up wishing I had never got bored when some crazy drama filled thing happens to rock my world. Which of course has recently happened, and I will be discussing those details in my next post. This however is about my basic every day life.

5:30am- Wake up, Start getting Bean up, Get out all her little pills fir Cystic Fibrosis and other things, take my own pills with a tall glass of water, yell in Bean's room get up NOW!

5:45am Bean is in shower, I make her some breakfast usually a micro waved Potato or some leftover soup

6:00am- Bean and I both have breakfast mine is usually hot quinoa or some eggs, she watches some TV and I hang out on Facebook, and start reading blogs out of my google reader.

6:30am - more Internet for me, Bean gets dressed

7:00am- Bianca is getting ready doing her hair, preparing her school stuff. I put together her snack for the day.

7:30am- Bianca leaves to catch the bus. I go back to bed for a couple hours

9:30am- Get up do 30 minutes of cardio on Wii or take a walk for an hour.

10:30am- Make phone calls, Clean Littler boxes, Sweep all the floors, clean bathroom counter, laundry, and other odds and ends.

Noontime- have lunch

1:00pm- Do extra chores I put aside for the day as in Wednesday I dust all the surfaces, clean microwave, and sometimes mop the living room floor (I hate mopping).

3:00pm- maybe gets some writing done, and keeps doing laundry

4:30pm- does dishes

5:00pm Prepare dinner

6:00pm- Bean gets home between 5:30pm and 6:00pm so we eat dinner when she gets home.

7:00pm- Bean does her vest for physical therapy

7:30pm- Maybe watch a movie with Bean or we do some other stuff including homework

9:00pm- Beans bedtime

After that I write or hang out on Facebook and Pinterest and so forth.

I usually go to bed about Midnight.

This is a typical day not including when I have appointments and such.

Now I clean my microwave the natural way. I use one cup white vinegar, one cup of water, and two capfuls of vanilla extract in a microwave bowl. I place it in the microwave and set the time for 5 minutes on high.  Than I let it sit for a couple minutes to let the steam really penetrate the inside if the microwave.  Than carefully take out the bowl. After that I take a damp cloth and swipe down all the walls in the microwave. I clean the glass plate in hot soapy water and after it dries put it in the nice clean microwave that smells pretty neat as well.

This is the life I really prefer its the nice boring one, and I hope someday to share it with a man who will enjoy the dinners I make and we will massage each others feet.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

FOX NEWS a bunch of Dumbasses

So the latest thing in the Witchy world is the situation with Fox News about them Wiccan bashing. If you have not watched the video go to Youtube and look up Fox News Wiccans and it will come right up. I have also signed the petition and did my part to let them know what they did was wrong.

That being said I really think that everything that Fox News says is pretty much idiotic and has proven themselves to be the worst News station in human history so forth anyone with half a brain is going to watch this and know they are clueless idiots that have no idea how offensive they are being. They think they are actually making good Television it’s just a little sad. Seriously its pathetic and I pity them.

As a Witch yes I am offended, but I also am not surprised. How many people do I meet that do not know the difference between Wiccans, Witches, Druids, and Pagans? I will tell you a damn lot! We sort of all get squished together into the same category just as Baptists, Lutherans, Pentecostals, and Catholics all get thrown together because they are all Christian (supposedly). I know many witches are pissed off about this, but I am not really all that angry about that part. People are always going to throw us into the same category just as Christians are all part of the same category. I do realize though that it is offensive, and if you want to be angry about it I can understand why you are.

The fact that they think we do not know our own holidays that made me upset. I can name every one of them fine thank you. Do I go about asking Christians if they know all their Holidays? NO cause it’s a stupid question.  Also Halloween is not the most sacred Holiday of Witches or Wiccans although many of us celebrate Samhain, which happens to be on the same day. Is any of this surprising though? No cause its Fox News and I doubt any of them have done any research on anything they talk about at all.  EVER!

Also the bit about Dungeons and Dragons is very odd and just shows how ignorant they are once again.  I would love to play that game but the geeks and nerds who play it tend to not think I am cool enough to play, and as I recently said to someone getting involved in a group that plays is like opening up a coconut made of cement! These guys are a type of gamer not a Religion.

I do like Incense so do a lot of Buddhists, Christians, Atheists, etc..... What has liking things to smell nice have to do with what religion or belief you have? Once again ignorance and stupidity of Fox News!

So here is the bottom line. Go sign the petition.
 Here it is

 Also realize that anyone who listens and watches Fox News for actual news probably has the same IQ as of the people on those shows. I think it is probably the same as of an orange. At least an orange can give you some vitamin C.   I think the only thing Fox news can give you is a good laugh at their stupidity or a possible headache from the same thing.

I am in no way saying we should not find them offensive. I am just saying they are dumbasses.

Thank you! Goodnight! That is all!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Things have changed since Bridget Jones

Do you remember the book Bridget Jones Diary? I loved that book and the movie was pretty good as well. The thing was she showed how hard it was being single when all your coupled friends seemed to look down on you for it. This was a trend for some time, and may still be going on today although I have not felt that kind of pressure from my married or coupled up friends while I have been single.

Instead I have found a different pressure I keep facing that is truly annoying and I think lacking empathy. These days it seems women look down on their single friends for wanting to be coupled. I have done it as well. Well why do you need a man? This question pops up when someone is whining away over a pint of Ice cream that they cannot find a good man.  Who said she needed one? Maybe she just wants one?

What is wrong with wanting to be in a couple? Why is there this stigma against it? As though if you want to have a man in your life your a weak woman or less of a woman for it. How times have changed. Why is it that we cannot accept each other as sisters in this world just as we are?

Do not get me wrong their is nothing wrong with women who choose to be single although most women I have met say it and yet when they find a special mate in their life suddenly they act like they are more complete, and seem to be happier than ever unless of course it goes sour which is a whole different bag of bones I plan to discuss at another date.

A lot of research has shown that people are happier and healthier in relationships and marriage. *According to Professor Dario Maestripier whose findings are published in the journal Stress "What we found is that marriage has a dampening effect on cortisol responses to psychological stress"

That is one of the many health benefits that have been found from coupling up according to many different medical journals. You can certainly go look this stuff up its all over the Internet. I am not going to list them all as this is just a blog and not a research paper.

I myself have found that I am more comfortable within a relationship. I feel more at ease, and I feel less worried about a lot of things such as finances, going out, health, etc..  I can say though it has to be a Healthy relationship and not an abusive one. Of course being in an abusive relationship is bad, but denying yourself a relationship because you’re afraid of it or just on the policy that you think it makes you a stronger person is not healthy either.

Once again I am not saying it is not all right to be single. There are perfectly healthy people being single and seem to be happy about it. What I am saying is take a deep look at your reasons for it. Have you swung all your energy into your career to avoid being in love or found some other place to put those basic human needs?  If not than hurray for you but please do not put down others for wanting to be in a couple. We all have our own way in life so do not put down others for choosing a different one.

As women we should support each other no matter if we are single, dating, in a relationship, or married. The stay at home housewife has just as much value as the working ones. The single woman has just as much value as a married one. Lets stop making judgments about the choices we make or the things we want in life and instead put our energy elsewhere.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

On this day I promise not to lose it.

Today I am taking my daughter to her Cystic Fibrosis clinic  in Albany, NY. Seems like it would be a fun day trip, but often times it is just exhausting. Also this time around I will not be stopping in to see any of my friends so it will be an all day trip with the ex husband.

I will have a book, my headphones, Pandora,  Water bottle (must stay hydrated), and some healthy snacks.  Also armed with the ability to ignore him for the most part.

Wish me luck as I venture into a place I hate with a person I think is out of his mind. I really am crazy...really I am.

Monday, February 4, 2013

My love songs

So here is a list of some of my favorite love songs. Why? Well despite my own problems with relationships some small part of me still believes. The stupid part of me.

1. The way you look tonight- Frank Sinatra

Seriously I love a good romantic Frank Sinatra song. Ol' Blue eyes makes me swoon.

2. Can you feel the love tonight- Elton John

Oh Simba falling in love. What more is there to say?

3.When a Man Loves a Woman- Percy Sledge

I would like to believe in this song most of all.

4.Kiss from a Rose- Seal

I am a comic book nerd and this was from a Batman movie. I will be your Catwoman come and catch me.

5.Underneath it All- No Doubt

Strip it all down and will you still love me

6.Lets Get It On- Marvin Gaye

Ok this is more of a lust song, but it works for me.

7. Maybe I'm Amazed- Paul Mcartney

Another one that makes me want to believe

8. Every Little Thing She does is Magic-The Police

I will be your Magic Sting.

9. Unchained Melody- Righteous Brothers

Pottery class anyone?

10. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing- Aerosmith

I had a guy sing this to me once. He was cheating on me. Great song though.

11. I'll Stand By You- The Pretenders

This was my song to a guy I loved. Yeah I did stand by him until he started acting like a jerk.

12. I'll Be There For You- Bon Jovi
With or without the rest of the band Jon has a way of singing love songs that makes me cry.

13. Girl- The Beatles

Its The Beatles and its sweet.

14. Never Tear Up Apart- INXS

I loved this song when i was young.

15. Alone-Heart

Oh My Goddess! They are Goddesses and who has not wanted to be alone with that one that makes your heart beat like a drum.

16. Always On My Mind- Micheal Buble

OK I know I should like the older version, but I actually hate the older ones. This one makes me feel something though.

17. Truly, Madly, Deeply- Savage Garden

Oh this song!

18. Fly Me To The Moon- Frank Sinatra

Once again I swoon.

19. To Be With You- Mr. Big

I think this was like the only song I knew by them, but it is so sweet.

20. I Knew I Loved You- Savage Garden

These guys knew how to write a Love Song

21. With or Without You- U2

Ok I think this song might be more like a suicide note.

22. Moon River- Any version I have ever heard!

Love this song so much! Ala Breakfast at Tiffany's

23. Can't Get Enough of Your Love Baby- Barry White

The music that makes your clothes drop off your body

24. Killing Me Softly- Roberta Flack

Ohhhhhhh this song is just so beautiful

25. Are You Lonesome Tonight- Elvis Presley

No way I was not going to throw some of The King in here.

26. In My Life- The Beatles


27. (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman- Aretha Franklin

Damn Aretha I wish I met a man who did this and actually stuck around.

28. Babe- Styx

Do not make fun of me!

29.Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley

Another one

30. Just Died In Your Arms Tonight- Cutting Crew

This song was just OMG!

31. Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman- Bryan Adams

Bryan Adams is another one that knows how  to sing a love song.

32. Wild Horses- Rolling Stones

So is this a love song or a threat?

33. Open Arms- Journey

Where are you Mr. Open Arms?

34. Patience- Guns N Roses

I do not have any left!

35. Please Forgive Me- Bryan Adams

I think every man should memorize this song for when he screws up.

36. Always- Bon Jovi

Forever and Always even though you left me.

37. One- U2

Technically not a love song but oh well

38. Faithfully- Journey

I know I know its so sappy

39. Love of a Lifetime- Firehouse

Yeah one from the days I dated guys with big hair.

40. Bed of Roses- Bon Jovi

I am telling you this guy does the romance

41. Punk Rock Girl- The Dead Milkmen

Punk has love songs toooooooo!

42. Your name is Tattooed on My Heart- Screeching Weasel


43. Come Away With Me- Norah Jones

A Man who plays this while I sit in a bubble bath will get my heart

44. If I died In Your Arms- Devil Doll

You really should listen to this it is an amazing song.

45. Lovesong- Adele


46. Stay By My Side- Fiddlers Green

Speed Folk is my favorite and this song is just gorgeous.

47. Thank You For Loving Me- Jon Bon Jovi

I know I know

48. The Only Exception- Paramore

The man who I finally settle down for.

49. Everytime- Britney Spears

Yeah I usually am not so crazy about her but this song is amazing.

50. Falling Slowly- Any version I have heard

Great song

So there you have it. If by chance you have not heard some of these songs i suggest looking them up on YouTube and having a look and a listen. You might be pleasantly surprised and find a new love song for Valentines Day. Have a favorite love song I did not post?

Saturday, February 2, 2013

those passing by

There are some days I wonder about the poor people who overhear conversations I have with my friends when we are out. Last night we went from housewives to what is better for spankings a switch or a paddle. This is my world your welcome to jump in and enjoy the ride at any time. The name of the ride is CRAZEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Judgement Moms

Recently I thought I might be pregnant because sometimes when it comes to sex and men I become an idiot. That is Ok I accept this about myself and its all good. Anyways during this time I thought about if I managed to get through a whole pregnancy ( I tend to miscarry) how would I manage. These thoughts were the normal ones of finances and would the Father actually help me etc...

Than another thought occurred the one that truly horrified me!


The judgement of pretentious parents in the town I live in. You know the types I am a better Mother than thou. I meet them all the time. I cannot stand these Moms who go about flaunting how all their food and clothing and even their diapers are organic. How they only carry their children about in cloth Papooses, and they would never put their child in a baby swing while doing household chores.

My beautiful daughter did not get all organic food in fact i used the jarred stuff and she loved it. I use disposable diapers and I loved them!  We had a front carry on for her that clipped off to become a baby seat which was awesome for walks in the mall when we stopped and had dinner.  The best thing of all was that baby swing and Blues Clues on the TV so I could get the cleaning done and make dinner. I like the way my daughter turned out fine thank you!

(Bean as a little kid.) 

I can see me now trying to do all of this around here. I would be shunned by quite a few other Mothers. Hell I already have been. I am not saying that organic noms and fancy green baby stuff is not awesome. What I am saying is we all parent differently and it does not make us bad Mothers when we say the hell with it and use a cheaper or easier way of doing things.

So if your a Mom have you ever felt judged by other Mothers? Did you ever let your daughter eat a mushed banana off the ground and get the evil eye?

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Romance in 2012

Another year gone by and I am not sure what to say about it. I mean was it a good year or a bad year? I would say it was better than some, but like most years it had its up and downs just like life does.  A lot of small dating experiences where I started to wonder if bad sex and flings were just my life now.  I did not want to think that despite my belief that there is nothing wrong with sex and flings deep down I wanted a bit more. I am far more of a romantic than I claim to be.  With that being said I do not like cheesy romance either that is constantly making you sick. I think the reason that kind of constant lovey doveyness makes us feel like puking out a whole bottle of Merlot along with the remnants of our dinner is because its not real. I will get back to that in another post.

Anyways romance seemed to not be for me and I tried my best to accept that. I got my diploma and rambled on through my life. Than I met bearded dickhead whom we shall call BD. BD seemed like a decent guy at first. He after all seemed more interested in me than just an overnight fling. He had a steady job, a daughter the same age as mine. We had a lot in common like Doctor Who and other sci- fi and fantasy interests. He took an interest in certain things I liked in the bedroom. Hurrah! So maybe I was not that attracted to him on a physical level but I decided that would be shallow to choose people in that manner. I felt I had grown out of the need to have them look a certain way to make me happy. I think I was so busy feeling good about myself for going out with someone that was not my style physically I missed the fact that he was a jerk. He constantly had a reason to not come and see me and I tried to be understanding because his excuses were about the ex wife and what a fright she was and how she never came to get her daughter when she was supposed to. Well I knew all about that sort of stuff due to my own ex husband so I waited it out..  Well BD finally did come see me and most of the time he talked about his ex wife and his Mother and how horrible they were , but in reality they did not seem so horrible to me. They seemed like strong women who just chose different things in life than maybe he thought they should. I still ignored this and had some really great sex. So of course I tried to stick with him. He did not want to stick with me though because I asked questions and I did not agree with him on many things and this just made him angry. We both decided we would be better off just being FWB (friends with benefits).  After our last encounter though I realized the man is just a dickhead and he always would be a dickhead. So I moved on and he did as well. I never heard from him again and I was might fine alrighty with that.

Than came K. He had already started messaging me before I was even done with dickhead. He was persistent, and sweet, and romantic. We had everything in common from Horror movies to the food we enjoyed. He kept saying how perfect we were for each other and I totally fell for it all the way down the well. We talked long into the night about every subject we could think of, and when he asked me things that might have made me run from others I actually started to rethink who I really was. He made me realize so many things about myself. Also we both are afraid of giraffes! How many people will you find afraid if giraffes?  So anyways on we went and he also never seemed to have any time for me. Except for conversations and I forgave him all of it because I had already fallen. He called me his love every time we spoke he talked about having this future together that I had never really wanted suddenly the idea of taking care of his three children and moving in with him seemed like a good thing. I was willing to rearrange my life to be with him. He talked of moving into my town and making a life together. All to good to be true you say?  He vanished from my life as though I was never of any importance. We had no argument, and nothing had been said to cause an upset at all. In fact he had vowed his love for me and I did for him.  Than poof he was gone! He broke my heart, and he also messed with my head.  No I do not want him back, because I could never trust him again. I would like an explanation just because well I am a cat and my curiosity beats out my need to stay away for the most part. So yeah I would like to know what the hell was that all about.

He did make me realize that i do want a relationship of some sort and not just flings though. Moving in with someone no I do not really want that right now. I am kind of used to doing things my own way.  On occasion though I would like someone around to change a lightbulb I cannot reach and snuggle into bed with. That would be nice.

Now its 2013 and I met someone else at the end of 2012 we shall call him Sir Blue Eyes.  He seems pretty awesome although we always seem to be on the opposite of the same coin but we converse about it instead of getting mad. He works hard and he can cook! He loves his family, which I think can be a good thing because it means if things go well and we become more serious someday he will love me and care for me the way he does with them.  I just need him to do something for me. Have some patience I have been through a lot not even counting the losers I dated in 2012. I got some trust issues and I am trying my best but I need some reassurance every now and than.  I hope that is not too much to ask.

So romance in 2012 not so great, but I always have hope.  Just like Charlotte in Sex and the City I always have hope for the real thing. I just try to hide it and act all tough cause I am a cancer and that is what crabs do we hide in our shells and scuttle about when what we really want is to take care of those around us if they will just look at us with adoring eyes and give us kisses on our foreheads till we fall asleep in each others arms.

Eh what a bunch of romantic crap. :)