Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pumpkin Shells and Cheese
16 oz box of Shells Pasta
1 can Campbells Cheddar Cheese Soup
1 cup canned or fresh cooked pumpkin
2 cups half and half
4 to 5 oz. Colby Jack Cheese shredded
1/2 stick of butter
1/2 tsp Garlic Pepper Seasoning
1/2 tsp. grated Nutmeg
Panko Bread crumbs
Cook the Pasta according to box instructions. While Pasta is cooking make the sauce. Add Soup, Pumpkin, half and half,Cheese, butter, garlic pepper seasoning, and nutmeg, and stir over low heat until smooth.
When Pasta is ready and drained pout into a 13 inch lasagna style dish. Pour the sauce over the pasta. Sprinkle Panko crumbs over it all and than sprinkle Paprika as well.
Bake in a 375 degree oven for 35 minutes.
Let it sit for 10 minutes if you can.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
MY own Come to me Oil
Peel of half a lemon
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
First I asked the one I thought may have been through some of the same crap, and got some decent advice. Second I simply bitched about it to girlfriends and got different reactions most was just a shrug, and others were more aggressive, and they were all fine and good. Than I asked someone I thought would see it from another side, and got the just wait it out advice. Last of all I talked to an ex-boyfriend late at night (really it was early morning.), and I told him my whole story from start to finish. From him was probably the best advice of all.
So here it is, and I quote (yes I actually wrote down what he said.) " Since when do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks or has to say about anything? I am going to give you the same advice that long ago you gave me before we ever dated. Follow your heart and no matter where it leads you at least you know it was real for you."
Wow I was a bit startled and surprised because i actually did say something like that to him when he was falling for this wretched girl that yes broke his heart.
So of course my reply was "but you got your heart broken?"
" Ah Cher(spelling may be incorrect and yes this is my Cajun ex boyfriend so sometimes I have trouble understanding him, or just do not know how to spell it.) we all need to get our heart broken and sometimes even with the people we love. Love is not meant to be all happiness all the time. You talk to a couple that has been together twenty years and you can be sure they have broken each others hearts at some point in their relationship. Life is not all about the good times its about overcoming the hard times, and if you feel in your heart that you need to see something through than that is your choice as it should be. You might get hurt and you may even be crying tears, but I know you, and you need a good cry now and than so you can pick yourself back up and sort it out. Anyone who tells you that their is no pain in love has not truly lived life, and what would this world be if there was never any sadness or pain? We would be living in a very ugly world. "
Now I am sure plenty of people would disagree with this. It however opened my eyes as to who I am for a moment. Out of every painful thing that has happened to me out of it came something far better. This comes from a guy that I treated pretty bad. Which honestly i am kind of known for being a bit of a bitch while in a relationship. Just ask my ex-husband, or really any of my more major boyfriends. Some of those guys were abusive and some of them were not, but I was so used to being abused I automatically was the bitch. This way I made myself believe I was not going to get hurt, and I felt like I had some control over my situation even when i did not..
The last major relationship with a man was so horrifying to me that i went into some serious therapy. I always thought myself a trusting person, but I never really was. Always waiting for them to screw me over, because it is what I expected. I have come to realize I want to trust someone. I want to give someone a chance. I want to let them break down my walls, and I know i might get hurt in the process. Hell I might not even make it to the process. At least i will know I put myself out there and tried. I might end up in a whole lot of hurt, or I might end up with something amazing.
Either way out of it will come art, and even the ugliest piece of art is beautiful to someone. Never regret what you have done or the choices you have made, because from it comes who you are, and you are a piece of art.
Friday, July 6, 2012
I met him at a Halloween party which I was supposed to go to with another guy. We will call him Satan. Anyways Satan got called into work , and I asked my friend T for a ride. He said no problem he just had to pick up some other people first. Now T and his bf had been trying to set me up with a guy for a while and I was ignoring their efforts, because after all I was dating other people and enjoying myself being single. So anyways T picked me up and I got in the back of the car and sat next to GL (my great love), and from than on he followed me around at the party the whole night.
I found him to be pretty sexy despite him being on the short side. He had big blue eyes with long eyelashes, shaved head, tattoos all over, and yet he was so eager like a puppy dog. I found him sweet. He never left my side the whole night, and we slept next to each other that night on my friends pull out sofa.
The next morning he asked if I would come to his place and meet his cat. Since we both loved animals and cats especially. I agreed and after going home and showering, and wearing normal clothes I went to his place. He lived in a boarding house and had a small room near the kitchen and bathroom. He had a small fridge as well in his room along with a bed and sofa. His cat by the way disliked me. We watched a movie together on the couch and soon were busy doing other things. We had a great time, and after he walked me home.
Now i thought this was going to be a fling, but GL had other plans. He immediately started calling me his girlfriend and at first I was a bit creeped out, but he was not coming off creepy as much as just happy to oblige me. So after he talked about all the things we would do I thought this might not be so bad. This was our beginning , and for years we dated and were very happy with of course the usual amount of arguments in a relationship. Sometimes they were rough but that is the way it goes. Never was he abusive or cruel, or did I ever think he would hurt me.
Now that was so many years ago. It has been 2 years since I broke things off with him because of his constant drinking, too many prescription medications, and somewhat abusive behavior. Things had become bad and I needed a break from all of it. I told him he needed to get himself together, and take care of himself on his own. He was extremely unhappy with our break up and became very introverted to the point he hardly ever left his room. I was so busy trying to get my own personal self together I did not notice how bad it had become until the day he had a Psychotic break.
That is when I was truly for the first time afraid of him. He walked around the house with a knife and kept saying I broke his things. When nothing of his was broken. He carried on like this even after my daughter came home. So this time the police had to be called and I hid in the closet as they took him out of our home. It took 6 police officers to carry him out , and the whole time he was screaming. I was traumatized, and went into a total manic mode. I was like this for a long time, and was not quite sure what i was even doing with myself. I did get a restraining order, and suddenly I was going out and doing more than I had in years. The problem it was not really the things i needed to be doing.
When he got out he eventually came to me and well I am not going to go in to a lot of detail on this but at first he seemed alright but than I ended up finding out he was worse than before. He did not even seem to remember us breaking up at all. He did not seem to understand that he was hurting me. He was incredibly confused and it was just a big mess .Soon the police were called again and this time the charges were more severe.
This was my Great love. I had spent years very happy with him, but due to Doctors who kept giving more and more medications and not paying attention to how he was reacting to them, and drinking along with it. He just became someone else completely. The fact of the matter is I am still in love with the guy from before all that.. The one who was always eager to please me and would rub my feet and treat me like a Goddess. The guy who loved his cat to the point of spoilage. The guy who thought i was the best cook in the world and ate what I made with appreciation. The one who just loved kissing me over and over. This is not to say he did not have flaws before as well. We all do. I will miss that guy probably til the day I die. He is not there anymore. His body is there but someone else resides in it. I would like to think that the justice system would help him get proper care, but so far I have just seen them throw him in jail and forget about him. I wonder how many people are in jail that really just need mental health.
I spent a whole year after all of this being extremely angry myself and thinking he deserved the worst, but now I wonder if maybe that was my own mental instability talking after all that trauma. He needs help, and I hope someday he gets the help he really needs. I myself will keep grieving for that man I met at a Halloween party that followed me around with his big blue eyes.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I went to take a shower and scrubbed my body over and over. I wanted to get rid of something I did. Like I could scrub it off my body, and than everything would be all-better. Memories are not dirt though you cannot scrub them away, and I have tried. PTSD can be triggered by a memory, and suddenly you feel like you’re out of your mind. You feel like running, and running until you meet water and jump in. You just want it to go away and never come back.
This winter I was able to go pick up some things from the police station. I only picked up my camera. The officer had a list and I had to initial on each item that I did not want it. Some of the things were not even mine. Some of those things belonged to him. I still remember all the little paper bags lined up in my hallway each one numbered just like they were on that list. They numbered my trauma and categorized it like they were library books or a CD collection. I remember the plastic light blue gloves on the Police officer as he lined up those paper bags, and made his list on his clipboard.
I was asked if I wanted my sheets back. Seriously? I would never sleep soundly on those sheets again. I could barely sleep on that old thin mattress for a while. Obviously my insomnia problems are still with me. How do you sleep when each memory triggers another of a different time, and a different place where something happened that never should? I could of burned those sheets, but I signed off on them staying there. I suppose they would throw them out.
I look at the sheets on my bed now. I think I hate these sheets as well. Just a reminder of my own foolish thoughts. Just a reminder of me being too trusting. I wonder when I put myself in someone else’s hands and its a mistake what does that mean? Am I the fool for trusting again, or am I just a strong enough person to not let the past keep me from trusting? I do not know the answer really. I would like to think I am the strong one. I would like to think a lot of things about myself though.
I have always been different, and I have always been judged and misunderstood. I am good with that. I can live with that. No one wants to face the truth of who I am, because than they would have to face a reality that anyone can be abused, and anyone can be raped. So much easier to think its my fault and leave me alone with my pain.
Now I am going to change the subject for a bit, and talk about how I am different. I have always been a bit of a kinky girl. When I was a kid I tied up my Barbie’s and made Ken spank them. Nobody seemed to notice that. I always loved tying things up, and when I got breasts well I thought they were awesome! I liked tying them up too. Just in my room when no one was looking cause somehow despite never being given proper talks about sex I knew it was taboo, and I would get in trouble. I did all this stuff anyways. I grew up and eventually would become part of the BDSM scene and often would be considered a Switch. A switch is someone who might like to be the top or the bottom. Later I found I preferred being the bottom. I liked the control of it. Now you might think that strange that even to this day I think you have more control as a bottom, but you really do. When you’re the bottom or the sub (as some might say as well.) you get to choose who you give yourself to and you can make it stop with a word. Your giving that person your trust and letting them take the reins but you can take it away as well. The top just gets to do what you want them to anyways its not real control. Maybe that is why I still like it after all I have been through.
Now back to what I was saying before about memories bringing up more memories. I can go all the ways back to being in high school and these two boys on the bus and myself were the only ones left. They usually just left me alone, but this particular time one of them slid next to me and slid his hand up my skirt, and I froze. The other boy sat on his knees in the seat in front of me and faced me. He just watched. While the other one shoved his grubby hands under my panties. He just watched it happen, and I just looked out the window and tried not to think about it. They were in control. I never said yes, and I suppose they would say I never said no.
One of my first major boyfriends was this bad boy with long dark hair and a coke problem. He said he loved me so much that if I left him he would kill my friends. He would hurt them. He had some issues. Some things happened between him and me I cannot speak of due to my family. Things that link him and I forever and ever. One time when he was tweaking away he asked me to go pick up his stash and said the money had been taken care of so I went to go get it for him. He did not tell me how he paid for it, because I was the payment. I am not going to talk about what happened but the best friend I ever had came and got me when he found out. The one I let get away.
Years passed I dated some great guys and some really abusive guys. I did a lot of dumb things. I am going to skip over some of the abuse its not that it did not mean anything its just not part of this story. I got married and it did not work out. I than dated one of my great loves. During that time we had some spats. Once after a really bad fight I went to the movies at night by myself. I walked there, and I remember I was wearing my faux red leather jacket I just bought. I had not any money for a long time, and recently had more and was so happy to get something nice for myself. I saw "Memories of a Geisha" which in a way was ironic I suppose. I walked home and was raped on the ground. I took a short cut. I barely saw him cause it was dark but he wore a big cowboy hat and I stared at it the whole time. That is what I do. I find something to stare at. I never saw that jacket again cause he took it, and the police found it and kept it for evidence. I never picked it up.
Now comes the story of that great love of mine. He made me very happy for a few years, and than he started drinking again, and little moments of memory seemed to be slipping his mind, which just made him angry. I was losing him, and in his place was someone else. I broke it off with him after he ended up in the hospital one night claiming to be suicidal. A good friend of mine had a fight with me in the hallway of Brattleboro Memorial she screamed at the nurse not to let him go home with me. That he would end up killing me if I stayed with him. I was so upset at that argument that I told him to move into the extra room. A few months later he walked around my house with a knife saying all sorts of crazy things. The police came, and I hid in the closet while he fought with them. What happened to the one I loved? Where did he go?
The man he became found me again a few months later and he would not let me leave the house, and it was complicated and the Reformer (the local paper here) got the story all screwed up. He thought we had never broke up. He thought we could play those kinky games and he never saw me cry. He could not see. He never heard me tell him to leave. He could not hear. He needed help. The police came and they lined up all those little paper bags in my hallway.
I have dated since than and never found anyone much to my fancy. I slept with a few but I did not give them that control. That was for me to give someone. That was my prize to give away. Recently I gave it away. He did not know how actually hard it was for me to do it or how scared I really was to do it. I put my trust in the wrong man and I feel dirty. Not that good kind of dirty, but more of a why did I give it away when it was mine. I could have just had normal sex or just a normal date, but something about him made me trust him. Something said he would never ever abuse that control. I do not think he meant to. That does not change how I feel right now though. It does not make it easier for me to sleep. I want it back. I want to turn back the clock and have never given it away.
I want my control back.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
For weeks now I have heard the call of the Goddess Freyja. Seeing her image in many different places and just feeling that strong pull to work with her. SO last night on Friday the 13th I did just that, and had a lovely ritual and felt so empowered afterwards it was a great feeling.
I used the oils I bought from a shop on Etsy as well called Artisan Witchcrafts . You should check them out! I had bought a black cat oil, and a spiced rose oil both very nice oils.
I used them during ritual because Freyja is a Goddess of love and lust (rose oil), and also likes cats (black cat oil) even though from what I have read she prefers gray cats I am sure she likes them all. I mean who does not like cats? Mean people do not like cats. Well that is just one of my opinions. Although if you’re allergic I will let it slide.
So the ritual included these oils, Green tea w/cranberry, an Apple (honeycrisp), a small cat statue, and a few other things having to do with a spell. I also had a prayer to Freyja I read out loud as well. All in all it was a great ritual and I now plan to make an altar for her as soon as possible.
Than last night after all of this I was introduced to the website Pinterest! This is an awesome website and as my friend Wendi said "I went from Facebook cocaine to Pinterest crack! What have you done?” Its true Pinterest is highly addicting but so awesome. A great way to express things you like and enjoy and share with others. If you have not joined you really should find someone who can invite you.
So that was my Friday the 13th. How was yours?
Monday, January 9, 2012
The Moon became full at 2:30 am this morning while most of us were trying to sleep. I certainly was not as I tossed and turned with my fabulous PTSD symptoms in tow. Yes it was a long night filled with emotions and a lot of guilt.
Well I am still thinking deep down maybe if I had been a better girlfriend he would not have become abusive. Maybe if I tried harder to have kept him from drinking. My head keeps telling me its all crazy and these were his choices and it was not my fault. This does not keep me from having these feelings though. Thank the Goddess for a good therapist. She helped me see this is normal and it too shall pass.
So after my fabulous therapy I wanted to go pick up my new phone, which just caused a whole new rush of emotions mostly frustration and anger. I had to go try to pick up my new phone three times before I finally got a nice person who actually handed me my new phone. Of course now I was late for an appointment. So running around I did spend the day like the chicken with her head cut off. I was still pretty much Okay with that.
Than of course information was given to me about a past friend, lover, whatever you want to call him. Still spending time making up really stupid stuff about me. Seriously? What the hell is wrong with that guy that he needs to think or have others think I am stalking him. The question is why are you spending time talking about me. Am I right? Well after going into an emotional uproar and than spouting my anger out on Facebook. I realized what kind of friend tells me this stuff when they did not even defend me? I have always defended my friends and if I did not want to get into the middle of it. I would just say hey we are not discussing this! This topic is not in the grab bag of our day! Alrighty!
I also realized I still have a lot of emotional junk running around inside of me. Maybe I should use this Full Moon in Cancer to get some of it out. A good cleansing ritual was due.
So after gathering some supplies including my Starfish and shells I had myself a little cleansing full Moon ritual.
I started off with a shower and while using my lemon bar of soap (lemon is great for purification) I envisioned myself in white light glowing all over and around my body. Than wrapped myself up in a towel and came to the altar Skyclad. Sometimes it just feels right.
I than cleansed myself using all the elements and the Moon herself.
Moon- I used a selenite wand and rubbed it all over my body while seeing the moons full glow all around me moving all those negative thoughts and energies out.
Earth- I pinched a bit of salt all around me.
Air- I lighted my moon Incense and than my Mugwort and Sage wand and cleansed my body in the smoke.
Fire- I lit my Einganna Dragon candle and the 2 silver ball candles. I asked Einganna (which is my protection Dragon she hangs out in the hallway sometime I shall show you a picture or maybe right now.) to protect me and help me think happy positive thoughts.
Water- I drank some Iced Green tea and thought of a pale green light covering my body in emotional healing.
Spirit- I rubbed down my whole body in lotion thinking of my spirit being cleansed of all guilt, frustration, anger, and any other negative thoughts.
After all this I thanked all the elements and the Moon.
I grounded myself with my Edamame Dip and some tortilla chips. Edamame is great for growth.
I adapted this recipe from another one you can find the original at http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/edamame_dip/
Mine is a bit different.
Edamame Dip Recipe
- 6 ounces of shelled Edamame frozen
- 1/2 cup, packed,spinach leaves
- 1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
- 1/2 avocado, peeled, pitted, roughly chopped
- 1/2 lime juiced
- 1-2 garlic cloves crushed
- 5 shakes of Tabasco (less or more to taste)
1 Bring 1 quarts of water to a boil. Add the shelled edamame. Return to a simmer and cook for 5 minutes, or until cooked through and tender. Drain with cold water.
2 Place drained cooked edamame in a food processor. Pulse several times. Add the spinach. Pulse again. Add the remaining ingredients, and pulse until well puréed. Add salt if needed.
Makes about 1 cup
I am feeling much better and less angry now.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Last year was a bad year not just for me but a lot of people in my community and in my life. I started off with a dear friend passing away and going off to the Summerlands. He will be missed.
Than my ex boyfriend who I had been with for 6 years or so got out of prison and I the fool thought I could handle it and I could take care of things. I only ended up in a mess of a situation. Many people will never understand what happened or how I could think that way. No one knows what one will do until the time comes it is a lesson I learned myself. I am a less judgmental person towards those who have been in abusive relationships and been through trauma because of my own situation.
Than not long after that I got myself pregnant with twins to make it even more interesting. I could not just do things the normal way. No of course not! Soon after becoming pregnant realized i really had no feeling for the Father in fact maybe I did but not the kind you usually have. To be honest even though I wanted to have more kids I was miserable in my position and was not doing well health wise either. I already had diabetes and chronic leukemia. The Doctors said it was possible but it really did not work out for me. I soon had a miscarriage and out the door the Father went. Apparently we were never even friends.
I also during all this realized many friends were not as they seemed and some I had simply outgrown and others were just not good people to begin with. I ignored the signs because i want to see the best in people and I ended up paying quite a bit for making such bad choices and judgment.
The next half of the year was dealing with court issues due to my poor decisions, and trying to get an education. I am proud to say I passed my first math class, and now in 2012 have just started the Algebra.
I lost 67 lbs. in 2011 but gained back 7 in December. A lot was coming to a head in December and so I let myself go a little. I had the Holidays some financial issues, and the end of the court situations.
I will say during all of these bad selections and facing the consequences of them I met some wonderful people who have helped me through, and some others also who stuck by me despite what others have said or tried to make them think of me. How lucky I am to have these people in my life. Friends are a precious commodity and should be treated with loyalty and delicately. Never take your friends for granted!
So here we are 2012 I have great plans for you! What are those plans you may ask.... you will see soon enough!