Friday, July 6, 2012

A Great Love that became a Great Tragedy

So many people do not understand what I have been through with my great love. They just make assumptions and judgements etc.....  What i went through is not the classic or even normal domestic violence situation there was a little more to it than the classic manipulation and brainwashing.  I have been through that when I was much younger and I know how it is, and i do my best to help other women who have been through domestic violence, rape, etc...  Anyways here is the story of my Great Love.

I met him at a Halloween party which I was supposed to go to with another guy.  We will call him Satan. Anyways Satan got called into work , and I asked my friend T for a ride. He said no problem he just had to pick up some other people first. Now T and his bf had been trying to set me up with a guy for a while and I was ignoring their efforts, because after all I was dating other people and enjoying myself being single.  So anyways T picked me up and I got in the back of the car and sat next to GL (my great love), and from than on he followed me around at the party the whole night.

I found him to be pretty sexy despite him being on the short side. He had big blue eyes with long eyelashes, shaved head, tattoos all over, and yet he was so eager like a puppy dog.  I found him sweet. He never left my side the whole night, and we slept next to each other that night on my friends pull out sofa.

The next morning he asked if I would come to his place and meet his cat. Since we both loved animals and cats especially. I agreed and after going home and showering, and wearing normal clothes I went to his place. He lived in a boarding house and had a small room near the kitchen and bathroom. He had a small fridge as well in his room along with a bed and sofa. His cat by the way disliked me. We watched a movie together on the couch and soon were busy doing other things. We had a great time, and after he walked me home.

Now i thought this was going to be a fling, but GL had other plans. He immediately started calling me his girlfriend and at first I was a bit creeped out, but he was not coming off creepy as much as just happy to oblige me. So after he talked about all the things we would do I thought this might not be so bad. This was our beginning , and for years we dated and were very happy with of course the usual amount of arguments in a relationship. Sometimes they were rough but that is the way it goes. Never was he abusive or cruel, or did I ever think he would hurt me.

Now that was so many years ago. It has been 2 years since I broke things off with him because of his constant drinking, too many prescription medications, and somewhat abusive behavior.  Things had become bad and I needed a break from all of it. I told him he needed to get himself together, and take care of himself on his own. He was extremely unhappy with our break up and became very introverted to the point he hardly ever left his room. I was so busy trying to get my own personal self together I did not notice how bad it had become until the day he had a Psychotic break.

That is when I was truly for the first time afraid of him. He walked around the house with a knife and kept saying I broke his things. When nothing of his was broken. He carried on like this even after my daughter came home. So this time the police had to be called and I hid in the closet as they took him out of our home. It took 6 police officers to carry him out , and the whole time he was screaming.  I was traumatized, and went into a total manic mode. I was like this for a long time, and was not quite sure what i was even doing with myself. I did get a restraining order, and suddenly I was going out and doing more than I had in years. The problem it was not really the things i needed to be doing.

When he got out he eventually came to me and well I am not going to go in to a lot of detail on this but at first he seemed alright but than I ended up finding out he was worse than before. He did not even seem to remember us breaking up at all.  He did not seem to understand that he was hurting me. He was incredibly confused and it was just a big mess .Soon the police were called again and this time the charges were more severe.

This was my Great love. I had spent years very happy with him, but due to Doctors who kept giving more and more medications and not paying attention to how he was reacting to them, and drinking along with it. He just became someone else completely. The fact of the matter is I am still in love with the guy from before all that.. The one who was always eager to please me and would rub my feet and treat me like a Goddess. The guy who loved his cat to the point of spoilage. The guy who thought i was the best cook in the world and ate what I made with appreciation. The one who just loved kissing me over and over. This is not to say he did not have flaws before as well. We all do. I will miss that guy probably til the day I die. He is not there anymore. His body is there but someone else resides in it. I would like to think that the justice system would help him get proper care, but so far I have just seen them throw him in jail and forget about him.  I wonder how many people are in jail that really just need mental health.

I spent a whole year after all of this being extremely angry myself and thinking he deserved the worst, but now I wonder if maybe that was my own mental instability talking after all that trauma. He needs help, and I hope someday he gets the help he really needs.  I myself will keep grieving for that man I met at a Halloween party that followed me around with his big blue eyes.

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