So for the past week I have been stressed to the maximum, and for something I probably should not have been. Which is usually the straight up facts. Why stress over something we cannot control? We all do it at some point though don't we? So in my stressed out wanting to control a situation craziness I kept asking quite a few people for advice.
First I asked the one I thought may have been through some of the same crap, and got some decent advice. Second I simply bitched about it to girlfriends and got different reactions most was just a shrug, and others were more aggressive, and they were all fine and good. Than I asked someone I thought would see it from another side, and got the just wait it out advice. Last of all I talked to an ex-boyfriend late at night (really it was early morning.), and I told him my whole story from start to finish. From him was probably the best advice of all.
So here it is, and I quote (yes I actually wrote down what he said.) " Since when do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks or has to say about anything? I am going to give you the same advice that long ago you gave me before we ever dated. Follow your heart and no matter where it leads you at least you know it was real for you."
Wow I was a bit startled and surprised because i actually did say something like that to him when he was falling for this wretched girl that yes broke his heart.
So of course my reply was "but you got your heart broken?"
" Ah Cher(spelling may be incorrect and yes this is my Cajun ex boyfriend so sometimes I have trouble understanding him, or just do not know how to spell it.) we all need to get our heart broken and sometimes even with the people we love. Love is not meant to be all happiness all the time. You talk to a couple that has been together twenty years and you can be sure they have broken each others hearts at some point in their relationship. Life is not all about the good times its about overcoming the hard times, and if you feel in your heart that you need to see something through than that is your choice as it should be. You might get hurt and you may even be crying tears, but I know you, and you need a good cry now and than so you can pick yourself back up and sort it out. Anyone who tells you that their is no pain in love has not truly lived life, and what would this world be if there was never any sadness or pain? We would be living in a very ugly world. "
Now I am sure plenty of people would disagree with this. It however opened my eyes as to who I am for a moment. Out of every painful thing that has happened to me out of it came something far better. This comes from a guy that I treated pretty bad. Which honestly i am kind of known for being a bit of a bitch while in a relationship. Just ask my ex-husband, or really any of my more major boyfriends. Some of those guys were abusive and some of them were not, but I was so used to being abused I automatically was the bitch. This way I made myself believe I was not going to get hurt, and I felt like I had some control over my situation even when i did not..
The last major relationship with a man was so horrifying to me that i went into some serious therapy. I always thought myself a trusting person, but I never really was. Always waiting for them to screw me over, because it is what I expected. I have come to realize I want to trust someone. I want to give someone a chance. I want to let them break down my walls, and I know i might get hurt in the process. Hell I might not even make it to the process. At least i will know I put myself out there and tried. I might end up in a whole lot of hurt, or I might end up with something amazing.
Either way out of it will come art, and even the ugliest piece of art is beautiful to someone. Never regret what you have done or the choices you have made, because from it comes who you are, and you are a piece of art.